I was angry with my friend;

I told my wrath, my wrath did end.

I was angry with my foe:

I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I waterd it in fears,

Night & morning with my tears:

And I sunned it with smiles,

And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night.

Till it bore an apple bright.

And my foe beheld it shine,

And he knew that it was mine.

And into my garden stole,

When the night had veild the pole;

In the morning glad I see;

My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

                                                  – William Blake

Paul sees doing the deed (i.e., climbing Black Butte) as the only goal but for me, it’s the process –

This is the story – One day, last summer, we decided to climb Black Butte – not a particularly arduous climb but an elevation gain of 1500 feet in about a mile and a half.  Luke and Peter went on ahead at their pace, but Matt and I stayed back with Paul.  He climbed slowly, with an occasional stumble or fall.  He had to stop frequently to rest.  It was incredibly hard work for him. Matt kept telling me to make Paul to go back – as if I could do that or he would listen.  So we just stayed with him, being there.   It was agony to watch, but he was determined to make it to the top and so he did.

One of my favorite pictures of him with the boys was taken up there.  He also had me take a picture of him by a twisted and gnarled tree which had fought to survive there in the elements.  He felt it represented him.  And it did.                                                     The hike was a triumph for Paul and so hard for Matt and me as we could only watch.  However, it became the living example, to me, of how differently we approached our situation.  Paul needed to keep going, no matter the cost.  Only the goal mattered.  I had to watch, also no matter the cost, but for me, the process of getting there also mattered.

February 2003

Such a difficult week – the kitchen torn up as we put in a new floor.  It is a beautiful job but such confusion.  Attie’s 16^th birthday, extra people about, Paul having chemo when I hoped he wouldn’t – anger – sadness, and crying and crying.  Hating myself for this absolute tidal wave of negative feelings and thoughts – swearing mentally – hating all of this and then myself for feeling like this – feeling overwhelmed and at the end of my endurance.  The worst part is knowing that I am really not at the end – I’ll feel terrible for a while and then things will ease up and then terrible again – I hate the cycle – torture – relief – torture again.  It seems like it will go on forever – why hope?  I feel like such a waste – a self-pitying fool.  I think entirely too much.  Paul can be so sweet and then so tough.

Such a grey time – spring is coming early this year – daffodils are starting, camellias – primroses but they really aren’t very cheering this year.  Life is grey – getting up many mornings is an ordeal – an act of the will – no eagerness to face the day – just get through it – then sleep a troubled sleep and do it all over again,   I keep trying to cope  in more positive ways – all the attempts at doing “it” better – living for today – in the moment – having something to look forward to each day – that lasted about a week

Then the “suffering is a gift” phase – a head belief  but the emotions don’t pay attention to the head.

Then looking at Jesus all day – great but I forget so the late afternoons and evening get hard and the self-pity and tiredness set in.  I want to be wonderful to Paul and I can’t pull it off as often as I’d like or it’s hard to know when I’m helping or doing the right thing.  So often a genuine attempt on my part to be kind or thoughtful, is not perceived that way by Paul.

Paul has been so removed since chemo last week – cool – still does nice things but tonight is picking – trying to irritate me Why?  What is going on?  Something is up, but of course, he won’t talk about it.

Paul is feeling puny but does sweet things such as taking Attie to Starbucks – he tries so hard to do jobs here – it seems like he knows something is up with the cancer – but that could be fancy on my part – he won’t tell me anything but maybe there is nothing to tell.

March 2003

Only a week until we go to Hawaii – that is keeping me going – the last week or two have been terrible – no Paul – distant – cool – no talking but , as of tonight, it’s me who has changed the most – always back to me – I can’t think clearly anymore – the world feels upside down – what is true?  Where is God?

Later

Hawaii was very good – over too quickly and we, of course, took ourselves along – but there the positive always overwhelms the difficult

4/6/03

Carol is nearly gone – maybe this is what a broken heart feels like – sounds trite – just a thought.  I hate all the pretending that goes with this – I’m OK – just teach, just smile – but maybe it is good – as Lewis with putting on the mask and acting like Jesus – maybe, if I just pretend to be strong long enough, I really will be someday..

I think about taking pills to die before both of them but I know I won’t – too too selfish

5/1/03

Right after the above – the period of grace started – Paul returned – his kind humor, his love, himself!  We had a good talk – 3+ hours one night – out of the blue and both of us gave up a lot – listened and heard things much needed.  It’s been such a blessing as Carol continues to slid – full time bed rest now – no food – little liquid but still so very dear –Paul went back on chemo Monday but he is still engaged and trying so hard – a new tumor but a big drop in his CEAs!  Who knows?  Always a surprise with him and now it’s spring and time to garden – such a life!

5/5/03

Carol will be gone very soon – could even be today and here I sit at chemo – so awful – but still seeing the good as Carol so generously reminds me.  Oh Lord, I will miss her beyond all imagining – please take her soon – this is too hard for her – it can’t keep going – your will

Small graces – both Luke and Peter called last evening – nice card from a student today – now at chemo – scolded by a nurse – why does that upset me so much??  I want to fight back – or ignore her or make trouble!  How immature and juvenile.  I’m not able to compartmentalize right now – can be distracted but Carol is always there.  I am so sad.

6/3/03

Carol died May 30 – Attie’s 10^th anniversary – she hung on so long – too long in a human economy – still precious times together until the end – but that bitter last week – wanted by her but rejected by the others.  It all feels so unfair- must believe all things for good but the emotions run rampant – anger, grief, jealousy, selfishness – pain, pain, and more pain and then the virtual certainty out there of doing this all over again – and it being even worse.  The why will never be answered, here at least,   I am a handicapped person – forever.

Back to April and my helpful talk with Pastor Sanders – carrying a cross – the suffering of Christ – not knowing whether to prepare for a sprint or a marathon-

Carol’s service is in two days – her burial is tomorrow.  I am not invited – why, Lord?  Help me to let go, be kind and not petty, but I would appreciate knowing someday.

6/11/03  at the coast

An unexpected gift of time over here – in exchange for window boxes!  Thank you – a bit of time to reflect – Carol’s service went well on Sunday – I got through my bit alright – people were very nice and supportive.  Good to see so many old RHCC people – what a blessing – that was a good time there – a worthwhile ministry – a sense of belonging – I got Carol’s bracelet from the girls – I’m wearing it now and will forever – a priceless gift.

Then Monday morning – the day after the service and bad CT results – the new tumor has doubled – no more old chemo but now the uncertainty – when or if to start new chemo – the rather daunting side effects of oxaliaplatin – stay off over the summer or is that irresponsible?  New drugs in the fall?  Probable surgery – when?  What will next year hold – will he be able to teach?  It is in God’s hands, as always – Please help  me keep it there.  This morning I got hit by a mini panic attack – a sense of fear/dread but no solid piece to attach it to – just real anxiety – it’s still there.  What is that all about?  And there will always be Carol.

What is going to happen with Paul?  So uncertain but not to God  – rest there – also the reassurance of his care in the smallest of places – and there is so much to look forward to

Coast time – Black Butte – Peter to California – Peter and Lisa – maybe a new job for Matt – maybe he and Shelbi – Luke moving back – the sense of living an adventure with heartbreak and great sorrow, pain and suffering – but joy overflowing – more blessings from God – a hope and a future – may I seek you with all my heart

7/31/03

After fear/terror over the CT scan – his results are basically no change – we do get to go to Black Butte and take Peter to California.  That is a blessing.  I was glad but then crushed – the nudge in the ribs at the doctor’s (“I told you so!”) as if Paul has a corner on knowing.  It feels like God is in Paul’s corner only – I know this is good  in the sense of having the year but it threw me again into the turmoil of keeping this up – it seems like forever – more surgery – more chemo –no end!  I am lost – the world is him – people do nice things for us because of him – “How is Paul?”  – he is the only one that matters – I am nothing – I slapped myself hard and a lot last night – I hate me and want to die so badly – suicide is very wrong but God won’t kill me – how to live – I can’t even grieve for Dad or Carol – my life is too full of grief – I hate myself – why was I ever born?  A cosmic joke?  My stomach hurts every morning – and I feel guilty about thinking about me all the time – I cry so much – the future looks bleak, lonely, and sad and the present is so hard – do all for Paul – where is the promised strength, peace – must I search on my own – I can’t – too weak – where is the help?  I am lost and frightened – but even that looks like self-pity – ME – ME – ME!  I want to never think about myself – O Lord – where are you?  Why do you stand so far off?  Or do I push you away?  I need help – there is no one to help – I must do it – and how can that be?  Please let me die!

9/29/03

CEAs 76.2 – CT scan coming up – then wait some more – “this is it” sense but again, probably wrong – so hard to wait – not know and then the knowing usually adds to the mess rather than clarifies = help me Lord in these few weeks – very hard but very familiar with a sick sense of doing this over and over forever – Coffee with a friend Saturday – she said she’d never known anyone as blessed as us – and she only knows a part – don’t know what to do with that – or how to feel – incredibly grateful – truly but it doesn’t change anything about the cancer – God’s reassurance that He’s there and loves us but we still get to go through the trial – Our trial seems more “glamorous” to someone like this friend who deals with more common but difficult trials – I won’t pretend to understand or compare – I know I prefer my trial but it is agony at times with an ultimately irretrievable loss and a “new” , mostly undesired life.

10/16/03

CT results – much new activity and growth but nothing threatening so no surgery currently – Dr. Schwarz was very curt – treats me like a meddling wife or the village idiot – this will never end – going down but slowly and I’m sure, with probable new chemo sometime and/or surgery.  We’ll push things back and keep on like this forever – I want to be free of it.  I am nothing – I am drowning in this – it is all Paul –always has been – always will be – nice things happen because of him and his illness – I am merely an appendage to make his life easier – I serve everyone – in a book I’m reading a character cares for another- making tea, a meal, a bath, nurturing – I have never had that – or done it either, for that matter – we don’t care for people anymore,

Disease is such a cruel torture – the people one loves the most are used to torture one – what a cruel and horrible thing – and as a Christian, I am to count all this for good!  Not even able to rail against the fates – just knowing my loving God allows this – I’m angry, sad, afraid – I truly want to die  – ¨please Lord, kill me.

We have been given an exceptional trial but also exceptional grace and blessings

10/26/03

Living with Grief – When Illness is Prolonged – excellent book – finally – so much explained or things from my experience – it validates the pain and makes me think I am not crazy or self-pitying.

Also Paul and the boys are gone this weekend – a blessed break – I love it – Attie was great – we did so well – a glimpse?  This, of course, was only good because they were gone but very briefly and returning – the reality will look so different.

11/9/03

The waiting room – what is going to happen – this sense of heavy quiet before a storm – the last couple of days there’s been the worry about Paul losing it at school – a lack of restraint, unkindness, “crazy” remarks – and at home some –   a real fear that he may be asked to leave –  I so want him to get to choose – and then his “I’ve always been this way” – hardly – never this over the edge – then yesterday I was so upset – feeling this burden can’t be borne much longer – now tonight – a deep hard pain in his left side and maybe weight loss – feels almost eerie – it makes me much more tender and kind – I can rise to this – help him, Lord –

Request:  pain that is managed, his mind – with us to the end, a quiet dying, talk to the kids or write letters, no more chemo or surgeries

11/11/03

An emotional blowout – Paul almost suicidal – “I hate him – wish he were dead” if he can’t make me happy, life has no meaning – he doesn’t make a difference – so awful –he can’t separate the cancer from himself – and this is so critical –praying much that he will focus on God and live for God

11/13/03

deeply sad, never sadder –

Resolved:  act cheerful around Paul and the kids as much as possible

Naps, cry a lot but alone – I am on my own – no more talking about my wishing I were dead around Paul, Paul is in charge of his own happiness

11/14/03

improvement today – but as for me, I will serve the Lord, not Paul, not the kids, not my desires – Still will have bad times but willing to try to continually put my focus there

I want God’s will – help me to endure it.

12/4/03

A season of grace – Paul came out of his slump in time for us to go to Timberline and have the very best time – wonderful snow and icicles – love, a quiet supper – hot tub and pool in boxers and T-shirt – ice in our hair – an easy drive up and back – a real gift – Thanksgiving was good but preparation nearly pushed me over – too busy – love being with family but I can’t do this now – nearly recovered now – a blessing to have all my kids and Paul here – precious times – now we go to the coast tomorrow – another great blessing and treasure – Paul is exhausted and in pain – doesn’t feel good occasionally but no doctor until after Christmas – I think he’s afraid there will be surgery but who knows

12/10/03

Back in the valley – at the end of myself – feel that I can’t stand another minute of this – but I will and it will never end – I am afraid – the future looks so dark – I cannot handle this – Christmas is coming but is a great burden – talking to Gloria helped today but this is a lonely house  – I miss Carol terribly

1/1/04

New Year’s Day and what will this year bring?  A trip to Paris, Zambia – a death?  Christmas has been wonderful and hard – too many people around – not enough solitude – but the paradoxes are pulling me apart – these glorious snowy days – Paul so stubborn and so dear – beautiful and warm but the last?  Too many moments of sheer joy – too many of sheer misery

1/5/04

Back to school today – only teacher stuff so that was good – snow now so school tomorrow is questionable

The truce is over – the battle is joined again and I am not fit to fight or I don’t want to – not sure which.  It nearly tore me apart to watch Paul with the Christmas lights – he wanted to have them up a little longer, he loves that so – even without the ornaments – some “last” things?

Today I feel at the end of it all – I don’t want to keep going – much crying – all hidden – heard the bit from Two Towers with Sam saying keep on fighting – the great stories – because there is good in the world – maybe, but not enough in my world to wish to remain here

Christmas cards show weddings and grandchildren for everyone who has kids old enough – that is no exaggeration – why God, while we are undergoing such a trial, can’t we have the joy of those things?  Paul would adore grandchildren and there is almost no chance he will see one and certainly won’t see one grow up – and I don’t want to do it on my own  – we’ve always been friends and that was so good and that’s going up and down and killing me – the process is hell and the conclusion will be just a different kind of hell – I am terrified of growing old alone – laughed at, ignored, a burden, pitied, out of the loop, no one who remembers things the way I do – who lived Wheaton with me and all the other good and bad moments of my life – I NEED TO SEE GOOD NOW – not some pie-in-the-sky future – I have great confidence in the eternal good but the here and now is crap – an illusion for people who get to live easier lives – and then look at our travels etc. and think that makes everything alright – what am I whining about?  The trips almost make it worse – there is a desperation to them – cram our retirement into a couple of years – what is there to live for?  Only obedience – and the pain overwhelms everything and will go on until I die – so there’s only one way to stop the pain – I won’t because I can still go to bed – sleep poorly, wake up with a stomach ache, drag myself out of bed, cry and walk, then do my day – one by one – day after pain-filled day.  No day is good – only parts – I doubt the love of God or at least his love for me – I think God loves Paul more than he loves me – it all seems to go Paul’s way – but I’m still getting up – and the days and weeks stretch out as a long, cold hard journey – more suffering, at several levels – I’m glad to have Meredith and Gloria but God, you took my dad and my best friend in addition to all this – it’s a bit much and doesn’t seem fair – yes, I could make a lengthy list of blessings and good in my life but a person being tortured isn’t exactly helped by the facts that he had a great childhood and got to go to Hawaii last year.  I feel a little more at peace now – but the heart is in shreds – I can just ignore that at times or be distracted or numb.

We will not see eye-to-eye on any of this – we hurt each other trying – O God please help me accept the way things are – be nice and pretend at home as well as most everywhere else.  I feel that the best gift I can give Paul is being good to him – please help me keep my mouth shut – take the anger and grief somewhere else –I keep hoping (or maybe it’s expectation or a sense of owing) but I need to forget that and expect nothing – be grateful for what is given –please give me self-control and wisdom and not even say anything unintentionally harmful.  May I be a persevering soldier?

1/14/04

I took up the commission of above – taking it seriously – I made my confession and signed it – I’m having a ring made – symbols for the quest- through a miracle of God’s grace, I have accepted our situation and have no expectations of Paul at all – I beat them down whenever they rear their heads.  Through God’s strength only and miracle of miracles – I feel good – happy – not foolish enough to think this will last but making my “situation” room, as Paul called it – to hide to protect him and to recover.  But in less than a week, I have gained so much!  Freedom to be me – freedom to go and not feel guilty – freedom to let remarks roll – they have no power to hurt – and so I’m more relaxed and am nicer to Attie – I want to be nice to Paul – so he’s more relaxed and sweet and after these years of wanting and pushing him to talk about the cancer, when I’ve stopped pushing, he has started talking voluntarily!!  How amazing!  How good is God – I give Him all credit – I daily renew my commission – I respect Paul and his decisions about himself – I do not have to agree – I have some hope for the future

How did this happen?  It was quiet – no epiphany or lightning from heaven – no great pondering –  just a quiet gift from God, but I think I needed to be at the end of myself  for it to happen – and I really was.  Where do we go now?  I have no idea – I do want it still to end but have more peace there!  Praise the Lord!

1/24/04

Paul’s CEAs are up to 269 but no big deal – he is feeling OK so life goes on.  Then I e-mailed Blanke for a prognosis since Leimert won’t give it and got back a push to use oxaliplatin!  Great – so I have to tell Paul and now that raises the issue of that – I’m sick – we’ll do it but another mountain to climb – it hasn’t happened yet, I know.  I must wait and see – those wonderful words.  I’m in a cloud.

2/4/04

Tonight with Paul – a blessed, precious, fun time – good talk – rather his rambling about school but fun to listen to – then more serious – I could tell him that I need  to be with him – I feel loving toward him again –  and I am happy!!  What is that feeling?!  He talks about dying – even admits it could be months – now I don’t want it to be – talked with Debbie – encouraged – timely comments – will see Pastor Sanders Friday – will ask for prayer for my commission – got  my ring – it’s perfect – but mostly I’m overwhelmed with gratitude – God is so good – life is a joy right now – each moment precious and I don’t have to force it – God, you have listened to so much anger, grief, self-pity and yet you still give me peace!  A miracle of love – ever thankful let me be – I love you Lord and I love Paul – please give me my mission and purpose.

April 2004

Our trip to Paris is over physically but will be a constant in my life always.  A miracle and gift from God – Paul even felt good.  Now we ask for Zambia – seems rather problematic but I also trust God to do wonders again.

Paul is in pain – liver probably – his last CT showed much growth – more on the liver but the lab didn’t even count or measure –just more.  CEAs were in the mid 300s.  But with all that, he is still functioning well – although I know he pushes it a great deal!  I am sadder now, at times, but still have that inner joy which I thought I’d never feel again – still cherishing any and all time with him.  We had a particularly sweet night on Monday.  We cuddled and he talked.  He shared about two recurring dreams – one was driving parallel to a train and as a crossroad comes up, it’s always dicey if he’ll beat the train.  He has so far but after negotiating that crossing, he is still driving beside the train and more crossings are ahead – the other is driving again – this time through a boulder strewn road and there are more huge rocks falling – always on high alert to avoid being smashed or crashing.  I was deeply moved that he shared those – but WOW – what dreams!  Driving as a metaphor for life’s journey!  I feel we are moving into a transition time – from the fight and treatment to the dying process.  I am eternally grateful for our closeness now – my agenda keeps to the back and then, if I’m quiet and not pushy, he talks – he tears up very easily and often.  He wonders about heaven a bit – he is heroic in dealing with all of this – may God hold him ever inch of the way – I pray for continued activity as long as possible and then a quick end for him.  Thank you Lord.

4/6/04

Back from Paris – a miracle of a trip – our real honeymoon – under assault today – fearful about money and spending – future so uncertain – just feeling so vulnerable and alone today – Oh – I miss Carol.  I thought about her and Dad a great deal in France – in the cathedrals particularly – I lit candles for them in most  – very sad – Kathy called last night and that was good – I was really touched.  It all seems so imminent now – I’m afraid – a few things going wrong – the computer (again!!) and probably losing half of our trip pictures. So sad and dealing with the van and its shocks etc.  not big deals really – and schoolwork and Easter – I just want to quietly honor God – skip the dinner and just be quiet and at peace – rather overwhelmed but things are still so great with Paul – such a change since January.  God has done a true miracle – I am so grateful.

5/1/04

The sadness and tiredness are overwhelming – I keep thinking of ways to die – after Paul is gone – very selfish but too much sadness in this life – Dad, Carol, Paul – no weddings, no grandchildren and now it is too late.

5/3/04

Fell apart – all the loss, disappointment, sorrow came crashing down.  Cried and cried, angry at God but not Paul – he was terribly sweet and kind – no way of escape but then it opened up – not escape from the actual troubles – but time away – I’m taking three days off school and am at the coast – such a relief – time to sort – think- pray – relax – slept well last night

Ways I was helped:  Attie not home Monday night so I could cry and talk to Paul

Claudia’s infinite kindness and the place being available,

The rest of the week open

Paul made it possible for me to leave early – here by 7

Pulled sub stuff together easily

Able to leave without guilt or fuss

Just vegged last night – early to bed – sleep!

Already I am realizing that my focus is off – although I want my focus!!  I shouldn’t focus on what I want – Paul’s health or death, and the kids, but on what God wants of me and for me.  I must look to Him to provide and guide.  Acceptance comes hard for me – especially of those I love – I need to turn them back to God – give God the disappointment and hurt.

But life has been crazy since France – it feels like things contrive to make me nuts – little junk but frustrating – the computer, the car, the pictures, wedding invitations, errands, projects – life is too hectic!  How to find order in all this and a center of calm – May has such difficult memories – Carol’s diagnosis – AP mess, Carol’s death – I miss her desperately – I feel like God is and has taken so much that I love – but then here I compare and feel unjustly treated.  What a discipline.  To fight overwhelming emotions of grief, disappointment, sorrow and turn to God only – believing this is for good??  What good does Dad’s death serve – Mom alone and sad – Carol – only loss, Paul – the worst loss of all and proceeded by years of blessing and nightmares followed by what feels like will be years of a half life – sadness  Who am I?  Do I have any worth at all?  Why did you give me life, God?  To serve you –  I know – I just never imagined that it would fall in such hard places

The days here at the coast – sanctuary in the truest sense of the word – protected, saved, with God – excellent studies, time with Paul was so precious – such a treat and gift and a day totally on my own!  No schedule or demands or expectations – so wonderful   – Is 55:5af

I’m going home today – believing God has equipped me – with things to do and changes to make  but mainly my focus on what God wants for me, not what I want – Paul in God’s hands – God loves him more than I do – relinquish the weddings and grandchildren and believe all things are for good even though everything in me denies it.  I still want Paul so much – help me, God to want you more – rest in you – I am still so sad – it feels like too much loss – but faith over feelings – let the memories be joyful – let me turn to God to control my thoughts   Thank you for this gift of away to escape

6/5/04

A bad time – Paul seems to be getting worse – more pain but pushing harder than ever – we are getting back to wondering who will show up for each hour of any day.  I thought chemo would do it but of course feeling poorly would do it, too.  I am terribly frightened and sad as the last battle seems ready to commence.  At the moment, the joy of going to Africa is gone – replaced by apprehension.  I must again pray minutely my commission – to give up and accept – thank you for all the incredibly wonderful times – I know there will be more, but not as consistently – I am rather a mess – having so many negative thoughts about everything – too much thinking ahead and it all looks black.  And I’m so distracted, I make countless mistakes and injure myself in tiny ways – then the frustration grows – Please give me strength and acceptance – expecting nothing.  Life is rather awful at times.

6/6/04

Talked to Kathy today and I’m trying to write more often – just vent – baccalaureate tonight – small group but still quite good – the boys were all over – strawberry waffles –  I want to get off some pills – too much medication – show me how – too twitchy

6/7/04

I felt better today but then Paul was not good – after getting up he worked outside, mowing and tidying up for the drawing session tomorrow – after supper he laid down and said he didn’t feel good and even got teary – it rather frightened me but he slept and is up now – we had strawberries and ice cream – very good – he so loves strawberries –  Attie very sweetly helped me with all the berries.  Peter is so sweet and watchful – I think we are all on edge – watching Paul – Africa looming, school etc.  I need to focus my thinking, only today and now tomorrow – I like the sewing I am doing – feels good – heard the Beach Boys – “God only knows what I’d be without you – what good would living do me?”  So true – hard times – good moments of days

6/9/04

Saw Debbie today – good visit – won’t see her again for over a month – reading Pilcher’s Coming Home again – it reawakens a hunger for England, for village life, for family, for caring, rest cures, being cared for.  Also moments of looking years ahead, a bank of life experiences which will not have included Paul – hopeful that I will smile and be so grateful for having had him for what I did have – now that seems unfathomable but it will come some distant day

Africa two weeks from today – overwhelmed by my life – terribly sad, overcome with the honor of being with some of your greatest saints – a marvelous summer on the books but the vast uncertainty that is being held in God’s loving hands – today was a blessed day – got to sleep in – Debbie – errands went smoothly – saw some old RHCC people – so warm and fun – Bible study tonight – God is so good – I feel so blessed and so sad

6/11/04

Today was Paul’s last, final day teaching.  A 27 year career, marked by excellence, integrity, humor, hard work and a sense of purpose and mission.  He made it through this year –a true gift of God – and made it well, with a sense of a job well done.  But a final ending is hard – too significant and full of meaning – Africa is in less than 2 weeks!  Amazing – we are going!  God is allowing Paul (us) all his goals and hopes.  And now with the possibility of a wedding.

7/25/04

So much has passed – Africa was incredible – rather hard since returning home – CT scan immediately – coast time – good but just wanted to be with the boys and so we went home soon after they did – doctor – everything much worse – the hardest is the terrible choices – 3 types of chemo – all bad – all with little hope of results.  We were not cut out for these choices – I have felt sad and angry – then the engagement!!!  So wonderful – so bittersweet – a shadow lies over it all.  Luke is moving toward a teaching certificate hopefully – the Kajsa wedding was so lovely and such fun – my family is growing more precious to me as Paul gets sicker.  Today we celebrate Matt’s birthday – Paul didn’t come down for dessert, drove up to school to watch a game and ended up at the hospital with a raging infection in his leg.  I am struggling – on the verge of tears most of the time.  Paul is moving back into chemo mode at times.

7/27/04

The leg is doing better fortunately – he is sore all over – no hugs or contact –he’s contradictory and most of what I do is wrong and/or irritating to him – devastating.  I must return to my loosening of expectations – these past few months were so wonderful – now they are gone – things really seem to be slipping – I pray for him – strength, courage for the final challenge –wisdom for decisions – for me – endurance, patience, a true sense of self from God.  Met with Zambia team tonight – wonderful – I love those people!  Interesting note – the wedding may be at Christmas – heading to the end?

8/1  Black Butte 2004

Paul, Attie and I came over yesterday – boys today – quite warm but lovely –much pool time – some biking – respite time – hot tub – Paul is feeling OK and of course, trying so hard to be everything – sweet, even admirable but sad – Matt is quite stressed about this wedding stuff – not at all what I thought it would be like – I have to let people have their moods – praying for him and Shelbi – I have my times too – much of today was good – I need to focus out there but all these diverse personalities and what people want to do – hard, at times – help me keep my focus.

8/3/04

Nice day, but not much done  – I really don’t like all this lying about – looking at a place here – ¼ share – quite drear inside but good space – all the problems are cosmetic – but with a partial share what can be done?  And it’s really up to me!  Watched A River Runs Through It – very sad – the message – we can’t help those we love the most – or maybe the ways we try aren’t right – not the person’s need, but one’s own need.

8/5/04

A great hike today and long early morning bike ride for me – that helps but each day is up and down – evenings are especially glum – Paul is pretty good but still picks in petty ways – dropping the house idea – mostly relieved – too much work at this point – the boys and At are having a good time, it seems – rest for Matt especially – not many sports this time – only a little bit of tennis (bad idea) Paul is weak and hurting, Matt is out of shape and Peter has his leg to be careful of – I dread taking him back – this year more so – he has been such a blessing this summer – thank you for him – clicking off the summer events – only taking Peter down to school – at least we get to take him

8/10/04

Yesterday saw the surgeon – he will operate on Paul now but it’s still up to Paul to say when – in other words, cut loose by him, too.  Paul is very depressed – do chemo or not – surgery before the wedding or not?  Huge decisions and no guidance – God, is there any way to know?  I think only Paul can decide – I had a better day – yesterday it just felt like the fog had descended again – this is where we’ll always be – I did get to talk with Debbie – helpful but nothing changes – take are of myself – so I did today

8/25/04

The hospice social worker came over today – what a waste of time!  Paul sat there like a rock – his usual superior “I already know all this” shit!  He only did it to appease me – he has no intention of using hospice until the bitter end – which is probably years off – sure, he’s physically worse but just keeps going – I won’t  do this anymore – I need out!!!!!! This isn’t a marriage – I don’t know what it is – I need to just not rock the boat – do what he wants to do or not – I don’t need anything – God will see to that – well – I’m just not a good enough  person to utilize that because life is hell!  I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE!!!!!  Not like this – 4 years and probably several more of the twilight zone – he’s fine – I’m shit!  He even had the audacity to tell the social worker today that his pain level is a 1!  OK – block out the world and live your own little life just as you want – no matter what hell others are going through!  I am furious and totally fed up – I want out of this game –

8/31/04

First day back to work for me – Attie rafting – nice day – but very quietly and matter of factly, Paul asked me to do most of the driving – it hurts his right hip too much to change pedals – thank you. Lord – no hassle, no fanfare – and not even for the reason I thought it would be – lack of energy or stamina – don’t know what it means – don’t care – just interesting.

9/1/04

Back at school yesterday – wondered how I’d feel without Paul – it was actually freeing – I almost feel guilty for that feeling but I’m more grateful – some place that is now me – people, of course, ask after him but that is good now – interesting how things are . . . .

9/2/04

OK day – tonight – very sad – I really  do not want to do this !  “Take this cup . . . but not my will but Thine.”  The fall frightens me – it has loomed as a great cloud and now it is here – precious moments with Paul – glances, smiles, toes touching in the night.  He winces often – no complaints but he seems uncertain and couldn’t deal with my sadness tonight.

9/16/04

A tough day – trying to again accept the reality of this situation – the digs, the twisting of my words – the looking for ways to make it all about him – I’m irritated, tired and say I’m feeling overwhelmed and that I do all the work for company so that means I called him a jerk!  It defies all logic – he says I don’t help with medical decisions, as if I don’t even care, in front of Bible study – but of course, I couldn’t take that badly – how could I?  I must be too sensitive etc.  When he saw how upset I was, he did apologize.  He said, when I mentioned the incident, he knew I’d bring it up – why?  Because he knew he blew it.  I have to surrender my need to justify myself – to explain – to try and be understood – I feel like I must weigh every word so it won’t offend or be twisted but I’m so not perfect – where is my marriage?  Where is my husband?  I suffer with him – provide comfort – I love him and get to watch him die by fractions of inches and die myself in the process.  It is agony – he will do what he wants no matter the cost to us – me – it’s my problem – I’m calm now but utterly hopeless about time here on earth – there is only eternal hope – there is no end to this tunnel – an occasional window but it only sheds a little light – too small to escape through – Lord where is the way of escape!!??  Living through it is not escape – nor just grinding it out.

10/2/04

Some interesting (for lack of a better  word) days – last weekend we went down to Palo Alto to watch Peter run – a good time – and the play in Ashland – good time with Paul but the time also gave me a marker to see how Paul is – compared to seeing Peter in August – there have been significant changes – much more tiredness, pain, loss of weight, appetite, breaking down over Peter’s running – so precious – still somewhat touchy but so am I.

It has been interesting these past few weeks, to watch myself accept things – yes, I still get irritated and desperately sad or angry but I really accept Paul – I am letting people be responsible for themselves – I don’t need to please people all of the time anymore – quite freeing actually!
Paul had a CT scan today – sees Schwarz on Wed – maybe we’ll learn something about the surgery – always wait and see.  I do see God working – thank you for my children and thank you that my happiness does not depend on theirs so much anymore – this is a lesson learned in the fire

10/11/04

The last entry was nine days ago – oh  how things have changed!  On Monday, 10/4, Paul climbed trees to trim limbs – we chuckled over the irony of his falling out of a tree and dying after all he’s been through – a lovely “normal” day!  Then Wed. 10/6 he went to see the surgeon in the morning – I got home from work at noon – he told me that surgery was scheduled for 10/21 – OK but dreading it – Liemert thought it was a bad idea – Paul felt terrible, physically and emotionally – he was a different person.  It was like he had jumped off a cliff or had a car crash.  Unbelievable – he still wanted to go to the coast even though I knew he was dying.  I never felt that before and had to tell all of the kids – awful – we got Peter home in less than 24 hours PTL!!! So Peter and I packed up – Paul couldn’t do anything – we eased him into the car and off we went.  Katie went with us, after becoming a Christian on Wed. night!  Friday morning he talked with us – haltingly – he told the kids the most important things were serving God and family – he told the kids he was dying – a quantum leap – he continued to fade – I called hospice – got that going – we all decided to head home on Sat – very tense drive – so anxious to just get him home – arrived safely (Paul saluted the beach as we left) a very nice hospice nurse came at 2 – she was appalled at how little pain medication he had been taking – got him on several meds – they have helped – Attie and I ran out to get them at the hospital

10/21/04

Only 10 days ago – we have been to hell and now we are in heaven.  After the return from the coast, it seemed evident that Paul was dying very soon – we moved into high gear – called his mom and brothers and planned a wedding.  Matt and Shelbi decided to go ahead and get married so Paul could be there – the nurse had said ASAP so it was Wed. night at our home – what a blessing and privilege – our friends overwhelmed us with the “reception” – decorating and flowers – just family – candles and firelight – Don Erickson presiding – the sweetest, most precious wedding ever – so bittersweet – Paul was not really there but we still had moments of lucidity with him.  Tues night, while we were in bed, I told him to just hang on for one more day and he replied, “God is not cruel.”  I cried and cried – after the wedding the days turned into a nightmare time – Paul talked as if he understood but didn’t remember what had just happened.  He wanted no help but then he fell several times and didn’t believe us when we said that – we even showed him the bruises but it made no difference – he was mean and stubborn – especially to Attie and me – it was the worst time of my life – too many people around, messes, I “deceived” him about the surgery and colluded with the doctors to prevent it!  Unbelievable but not worth remembering now.  After the nurse was over Sat night and said it looked like he had some more time, I fell apart – almost by choice it seems now – “I’m broken,” no one knew how to help – I was bundled on the floor in a fetal position – Paul came down and tried to hug me – Mom came over – one of the boys told me that this “wasn’t helping”  I slept in Attie’s bed and really slept.  Mom stayed in the room all night and the next morning I was all right and Paul had begun to pull out of whatever state he had been in.  His vitals were better – he was lucid, could walk, and we all began to realize that he had no memory of the week just gone – it was all a blank – and it seemed like he had some more time.

I was furious at God and bitter – why did we have this nightmare week only to return to a better place?  Why would a loving God jerk his people around so badly?  I saw Pastor Sanders Sun. afternoon to sort things – he was very kind and helpful but I was still angry.  Then I saw Debbie on Mon. and Paul was becoming all that is best in him – a totally new man – 180 degrees from the previous week – the next morning we woke early and talked and talked – cried – forgave and were forgiven and all the bitterness and anger just washed away!!  A true miracle that God gave us this time to heal so much!  We almost moved into euphoria – and Paul seems distilled into an angel – it is mystical – he talks and talks – only good pours out of him – like a fountain – he wrote precious letters to the kids and me and is now writing a few to others but the gifts did not end there – last night God divinely revealed to Paul what had gone on the last 4 years.  Paul was able to tell me exactly how I’d felt – the resentment, the anger, the guilt, and accepted full responsibility for it – he admitted to pride and arrogance – he would heal himself but thought that was how he fought – he saw that I had been right about so many things and he had caused the pain by not seeing it – (debatable in totality but a huge gift!)  I was freed from another burden I didn’t even know I had – I’d felt so good about the rest, this hadn’t even raised its head!  But now I was freed from the guilt I would have suffered after his death about my lack of compassion at times, my anger, all gone!!!!!  A gift beyond price and I could forgive him and still not diminish the pain and hurt that were suffered – I also got God back – no longer feeling like a foster child – not quite as worthy or loved as the “real” children.  I am real in God, as Lewis would mean it.  I am a daughter – and no surgery today – again a grace note.  We saw Dr. Schwarz again and he was so dear to us – a gift of relaxed time – intelligent, respectful conversation – hugs and wet eyes – so now we are at peace – Paul with one foot here and one in heaven.  Even the Yankees don’t matter anymore!  I think we are getting a glimpse of the heavenly Paul – I will be so anxious to see him again – but he is ministering to those who come to see him and I feel that I am freed from so much garbage that I can now minister, too, unhindered by so many regrets and hurts – now all the memories will be sweet and precious – it is an intense time – he is living so intensely – like a supernova – I feel that he will burn out soon – but it is in God’s hands.

10/24/04

What a strange place to be in now – Paul ministering to people – talking and talking – ready for heaven but still robust for this time.  I, on the other hand, am fading away – so human – struggling, each day seems like a year – worried and burdened

11/1/04

Paul is still here – less energy and talking – the visitors have also tapered off – I am more accepting of things and even feel peaceful some of the time – we have returned to the “seize the day” mentality – each day is still a gift, at times.  Peter was home for three days and that was wonderful – carving pumpkins – pizza night together with everyone – lovely times – coffee – Paul got to see his boy again.  What a joy – saying good-bye was hard again but not quite as awful – there is at least that element of uncertainty – who knows?  There may be more times

School is all worked out and that is a huge gift – I can be off the rest of the semester – but wish I could get back before then.

11/2/04

Hard day in the morning – fighting all the negative thoughts – tired of taking them captive – it still seems to be all about Paul – my head knows that can’t be true  but my feelings run away with me – the war has gone on and on – battle after battle – we were even told the war was almost over but then – nope – sorry – you have to fight on longer – I feel maybe suicidal at times – I can’t  keep doing this or maybe I won’t !  I certainly don’t want to – I wish it would end today, but God has his plan.  It just seems like everything has been accomplished – wrongs righted, forgiveness, improved relationships, letters, talks, tapes, time with Peter – I beg God to end it soon but must trust his timing – but how awful is it to wish Paul dead!!!  Another great cruelty – I want my life back – a different new life – very hard at first, I know, but some good there – please stop the torture Lord!  I ask for your mercy and compassion on me – I feel I must also ask for acceptance and patience too, but I do not want to – I’ve done that enough it seems!  Why?

In God’s hands – God does all things well

11/8/04

Paul seems to be improving – so I am worse – he is even reverting a bit – he is so dear and things are so awful at times.  God doesn’t care about me – a sense that all will end well but when have my senses about things ever been right – I don’t want to be so angry and bitter – but I am so tired of this – I want to move on  – to have a life – too much

11/9/04

Paul is sleeping downstairs tonight – we’ll see – did a lot, comparatively, today – a bit of raking, some vacuuming, made excellent burgers – I had a good day – getting sleep and exercise are essential and need to be priorities.

11/11/04

Over at the coast – came yesterday after school with Attie and Katie – gorgeous day – Paul was able to walk as far as Haystack even today – stars – campfire – Time with Paul is so precious – we are good – today was very good – a gift –Then we watched Good Morning Vietnam – very funny until near the end – then his comedy routine with some troops being sent north to fight – some will die  – then Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” played over destruction, fear, fires, crying children – lost it – why is the world so horrible at times – it breaks my heart as I know it does God’s – even Paul’s death pales beside the bigger picture – but it is my own personal tragedy – hope we can go to Kentucky – please, Lord

11/16/04

The coast was marvelous – good weekend moving Matt and Shelbi – two showers – Shelbi’s Christmas shower was such fun – so  good to see my school friends – then Monday, I dropped off Attie’s lunch at school and saw one of my students – “Mrs. Sherman, you’re back!”  Oh no, I’m not- these past two days have been very sad or very weary – Paul is so precious and dear – wants me around all the time – so guilt is there but I do have to get out – we raked some today and that was good.  How often raking has been therapeutic for us – Attie is so dear and helpful and kind – cleaned up after supper

Sweet things we do – breakfast together every morning, poems from Paul – reading The Divine Hours – letting me be sweet to him – many hugs and kisses and “I love yous” – he’s sleeping much more, dizzy some, more pain and medication – I’d like us to get to Kentucky – in God’s hands – only peace in God

11/17/2004

Would have been Dad’s birthday – flowers to Mom – a good day – haircut from Kelly – free!  What a gift – Paul is sleeping and sleeping – more pain meds

 

What a strange life – here in Kentucky, watching my precious son run, with my darling dying husband – wondering how I’ll survive without him.  Who am I?

 

12/2/04

It is December – Paul is still here – no signs of slowing down really – it seems like it to me but not to him – He even said today he could probably teach a day of school – still superman – he doesn’t drive anymore, to please me, but then still bugs me about it.  I took him to Kentucky but didn’t have the proper attitude and found it hard work – I did it for him – wheelchairs, driving, getting us around – I have tried to get back to my commission – all God only – as unto Him – it is helping but the spiritual warfare still rages – battles everyday – I know who will win but when will that be – I have to make all the decisions – he isn’t himself – he doesn’t believe me – luckily, wedding stuff is coming along well – I’m not fussing about money too much – so that is good – even have a wreath on the door – and Christmas cards are out!  Paul pitched in and we just got them done.  A good bit of shopping is done – friends have lined up to help!  TYL

But the pain, grief, fear overwhelm way too often – I feel that I need Paul gone  – he is reverting back so much – not taking enough meds for pain – fighting in small ways – it is often quite hurtful and painful to be around – so I must learn to steer the conversation – my darling children are my joy.

12/3/04

Luke and I made a covenant to not kill ourselves – how pathetic is that!

12/4/04

Paul and I watched Father of the Bride – both of us cried at the end – another bittersweet time of great magnitude – pray for control and faith

12/9/04

Been sick with the flu – not pulling out of it – the daytime is OK – my stomach hurts – not much tastes good but of course I still eat – then, in the evenings, my temperature spikes and I’m freezing – no energy – my muscles seems to have lost all tone – sleeping poorly so my body isn’t helping me keep up and fight the battle – despair is just beneath the surface – pokes through some –  I trust I’ll rally next week – this has been the longest week ever – Paul is helpful but he isn’t my precious husband anymore – that man has been going for a long time – some back and forth but generally gone – now his body is just a symbol of the suffering  – his and ours – I am told “take care of your needs, do what you need to do to survive” but I haven’t a clue – running away is what I want but that’s no good – I would hate myself and know I would miss so much, painful as it is – send me help from Zion – help – help – have mercy on me, O Lord – have compassion on me – Grant me your grace – let me honour you always and have strength enough to deal with all that is coming – the wedding, Christmas, Paul – Heal me, please, dear God – Thank you – you will act and all will be most well –  I love you, God, my only hope and salvation – give me your salvation from my life now – let me soar to do your will.  Forgive me my sins of impatience, unkindness, and anger.  Thank you for your forgiveness.  O great God, my rock and my salvation and giver of unending blessings that flood my life.

12/10/04

Felt like a transition day – I feel right about writing that but think I’ve got this whole scenario in my head that I am playing – I really  want God – but these are my desires –

More pain and medication – he is withdrawn and quiet – just different

12/11-12/04  weekend

Such emotion – a wedding at First Baptist, sitting with Dick and Carolyn – so many memories there – then getting the Christmas tree – a broken tradition – no cutting, no Matt and Peter – just a trek down to the Boy Scout’s lot at the park – easy, though, and in the stand easily so all to the good – then doing the ornaments undid me – too many memories and reminders of what is being lost – late evening Paul and I talked some – so  precious – and we just cried and cried together – more tears than ever – exhausting, overwhelming sorrow – I will miss him so horribly – I just kept patting him as if to imprint the feel of him forever on my hand

Sunday was good – we bought coffee for the man sweeping the parking lot – such fun – just being in church was good and Bob was excellent – a quick Baja lunch with Luke – made coffee cakes – Attie and Katie made a gingerbread house – just fun Christmas things – a less emotional day

12/13/04

The Week – I am feeling whipped right now – found out that my liver enzymes are very high – almost laughable so now I have to change meds – this week of all weeks – Paul is going on methadone and Connie Wescott isn’t well – this is all rather a mess but I hope to be as positive as possible – I want to love this – Lord, please give me strength, I am so sad and feel a bit overwhelmed right now.

12/20/04

The wedding was wonderful – beautiful and holy and I am grateful – I’m glad Paul was there – Friday was rather hard – too much to do and too stressful – thanks for my friends – I never would have made it without them – decorating the MacLean House – then fixing all the food – dashing over to the church for the rehearsal, fighting bad traffic- dash back to the house for the dinner – others enjoyed the dinner so that was good – the other meals here went fine but not fun or warm for me – I feel cold and brusque with most everyone close – Connie came and helped wrap presents – that was lovely

12/22/04

Went downtown and spent a night at the Marriott – thanks to Scott and Lori Miller – they are so dear – did a bit of shopping – dinner at Henry’s Tavern – neat place and fun – then saw a movie, King Arthur – weak – nice time but I am so confused – awash in the emotions of the season and the wedding – don’t know what is right or wrong – take care of myself – or care for Paul – almost mutually exclusive – I don’t know which end is up

Christmas 2004

A rather lovely morning – relaxed after a very late night with the Christmas Eve service – Last night was fine with Matt and Shelbi and opening presents – they were very generous, especially with the stereo for Luke – The afternoon was hard – watched The Return of the King – the journey – the end – the suffering – so rich and so sad – made me sad

Sweet presents from Paul with cute notes – he is very loving – let me appreciate that – he slept a great deal today and his pain is increasing – who knows – he slept so long this afternoon, I checked him a couple of times – side note – a lovely dinner with Luke and Benno Wednesday night – fun to do and the food turned out well.  Paul did not come down for it.

Soften my heart, Lord, to love you and be thankful to you in all things – thank you for always hearing and forgiving – guard my mouth – give me discretion – let me honour Paul out of willful obedience to you or a righteous, willing spirit.  Give him the days you have for him and let me accept each one as a gift from you.

Thank you for the literal shower of blessings you have rained down on us.

12/29/04

Each day has times of desperation – but then people pray – peaceful now as I go to bed – talked with both Meredith and Kathy today – helpful – working on the spiritual mentor idea – it sounds wonderful – there is a peace that all will be well

Peter was very sick this morning – took him to the hospital – he is feeling a bit better – it felt good to take care of him – he was so sweet and grateful –

I need more time with Attie – we haven’t done much lately – soon we will get the house back together – that will feel good –

A strange moment today as I watched Paul walk out of the room – it was hard as I wondered what will it be like when he is never here again – to walk in and out and just be here?  O Lord, this life is yours!

1/3/05

A new year and Paul is still here – the doctor said months today – months!?

I will go back to work and pray every day to die – there truly is no end – this could last even years more – I need a way to die that isn’t suicide – or at least won’t seem that way – Please God – I don’t think I have ever been this low – can’t even cry – It’ll never stop.

1/4/05

Peter’s 21^st birthday  and already I see the selfishness of the last entry –

Paul is feeling very poorly tonight – I am to go and teach tomorrow – boy do I need guidance!  Let me think of Paul – may I have your peace –

1/5/05

Very weird day – went back to teach today – just my senior class – good to see the kids but felt rushed and unsure – it is strange to still have the sub take my other two classes – January will be strange – then add Paul not feeling at all well yesterday and today – I will trust God in it all and believe this is the best – I feel very disoriented – don’t know where I belong – home – school – then friends and family life – there is no pattern to the days – I came home and took a nap and added to the confusion – talked to Meredith but that felt strange too – bizarre day, I guess – the kids get home today from their honeymoon – and then Peter leaves – not grounded anywhere!  Trust God in it all – I feel like everyone is telling me what to do and what is best but I have no idea – just act and trust God – not blaming anyone – my own choices

1/6/05

And the hits just keep on coming – a very anxious day (meds?) became numb

1/13/05

What a week it has been – Mom in the hospital and the shock of that phone call – hospital time – the nightmare of my mixed up meds – Saturday night’s fight for sanity – through terror and panic – Sunday realizing it was the meds and this week beginning to climb out of the pit – I am still more anxious than I’d like to be – having to let Mom go – guilt but trying to believe it’s of God and his provision – and what do I say about Paul?  He has been my rock – just like in “normal” times – our relationship is restored – oh – a huge thank you Lord!!  When he said, a couple of weeks ago, that he felt alone, it woke me up!  I had to ask for forgiveness – I don’t ever want him to feel that way again – he has been wonderful and I really need him – I can’t cope and haven’t felt this fragile since Romania – I know God can bring me back and will – now I am grateful Paul is here and hope we have a while!  But he is up and down so that feels very uncertain – the future is unthinkable but school is good – has gotten better and I have been treated so generously and kindly – thank you there Lord!!  Even grading seems OK as it passes the time.

God’s promise to me – Ps. 71:20 & 21

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth, you will again bring me up.  You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

2/14/05

Valentine’s Day – we really celebrated yesterday with dinner – treats for the kids but today I am weary – in body and spirit – dear Paul’s legs and feet are still so swollen and weeping – it is so hard to see – now his elbow is extremely painful to the touch – he gets shots twice a day to prevent blood clots – he’s more and more tired

2/17/05

Paul is bad – but God gives songs in the morning when I walk

2/20/05

Paul  died at 2:15 pm today – his signs were bad in the morning and he was pretty much unconscious then – but we still had no sense that this was it – he has been the comeback kid so often – Don and Cinda came and stayed with him while Attie and I went to church – after we got home, we got a small bite – his breathing was very noisy – Matt went to get some patches to help with his breathing – just after he and Shelbi came in, he took one deep gulp and was gone.  I was putting the patch on and turned to them, “I think he is gone.”  in disbelief.  We called Attie down and checked for signs, and he truly was gone home.  Peace for him – home going after such a long struggle – what a man he was  – oh thank you, for letting me be his wife – I am overwhelmed with grief but also with peace and immense gratitude-  He went home on Sunday – a good time – God does  all things well